I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Randomize
