just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
