I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
