apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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