what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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