Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
