Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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