hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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