Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
