her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
