put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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