I got chris browned last night
The maid of honor just puked.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
