The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
