i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I deserve this hangover.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
