the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
