remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
