she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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