My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Randomize
