I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Oh god it's open bar.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
