I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
