I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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