just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
