its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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