i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
it's like iHOP with fire
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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