I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
