You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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