david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
