I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
