My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
