My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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