hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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