I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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