Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
