Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
