I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
