I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
