And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
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The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
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I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"