that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
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I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
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I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.