saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.