Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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