i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize