i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
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