Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
