I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
