I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
