butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Woke up backwards on a recliner
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
