God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
The police scanner is talking about you again....
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
