Already got asked if we're dating
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Randomize
