Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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