Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
