mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
