Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
