The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
