I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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