Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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