A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
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I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
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I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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