my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.