i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
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Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
We just shotgunned beers for America
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
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What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.