the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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