You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
she peed on how many people?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
If You’re Hot, It’s Easier For You To Do These 27 Things
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
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he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"