Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
